Brighten up Christmas with this amazing choice of novelties brought to you by the SCOTCH NUMPTY PARTY
Darien Colony Risk
A board game where players attempt to get the English to rescue a forlorn and absurd Scotch attempt to set up a colony in South America.
The game proceeds by throwing dice. Players pretend that Scotchland is independent while imagining that nonetheless the English will come to their rescue with gold and military force. The winner is the player able to get his hands on the most English gold and military support.
Many enthralling twists and turns including opportunities to steal Scotch money held by players representing the Scotch promoters of the colony.
John Law House of Cards Set
Players are issued with cards representing money In turn they keep placing them on top of one another until the house collapses. The player putting the card on which causes the collapse is named John Law and wins.
John Law Banking Starter Set
Make sure your child understands Gordon Brown economics. Hours of fun building pyramid schemes, printing money and issuing bonds wholesale. Suitable for those aged 2 or under.
Open the box and up pops Alex Salmond. Makes the same excruciating whine wherever and whenever activated.
Ex-Patriot SNP Jock-in-a-box
Normally kept outside Scotland. Pops up every now and then to declare undying love of Scotland
RBS Video game
Players start with a small provincial Scotch bank and attempt to enlarge it as quickly as possible. No heed need be paid to the long-term viability of the bank.
Players choose between three levels which are in descending order of difficulty :
Level 3 Prudential
Level 2 Reckless
Level 1 Criminally Reckless
Players will find it is next to impossible to win on level 3 but extremely easy on level 1.
Barnett Formula Piggy Bank
An ingenious to toy ideal for teaching Scotch children the value of English money. The bank accepts both Scotch and English money but only allows English money to be taken out.
Prudence Action Doll
Take the role of Gordon Brown. Stuff Prudence full of English money Then watch her burst.
HBOS Magician’s set
Watch in amazement as the Halifax Society is transformed from a profitable, solvent English company into a crippled Scotch-run insolvent ruin.
Simply add BoS solution to Halifax to operate.
Warning: BoS solution is toxic.
Gaelic Speaker Doll
Makes incomprehensible noises. Funded by English subsidies. Suitable for very few people
Watch English money disappear into it before your very eyes
Scocth Independence Board game
Players attempt to obtain independence whilst keeping English subsidies, English jobs and English oil and avoiding taking on part of the national debt.
Have hours of fun trying to fit the parties together
Oil and Gas Monopoly
The winner is the first to claim all the English fields as Scotch. Players get £15 billion of English money every time the pass GO
Set of cards with Tartan designs Players match the Tartans. Instead of “SNAP” players shout “SNP”. Hours of innocent confusion.
Barnett Formula One
Motor racing game. There are four players They draw lots to decide who shall be
England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland. The player drawing England has to pay for the others
Wee Pretendy Parliament
Scale model in the form of a money box. Comes with billions of replica English money to put inside.
Completely unrealistic soft animal but children will love it.
Warning: must be kept well away from reality or it will fall apart
Arc of Prosperity Puzzle
The puzzle consists of four interlocking pieces marked as Ireland, Iceland, Norway and Scotland. These are jumbled so they are all over the place. The trick is to move the four pieces into the shape of an arc which is self-sustaining.
Warning: To date no one has managed to solve the puzzle. Be the first to solve it!
Barnett Formula Money Cascade
A form of snowstorm ornament consisting of a glass globe filled with figures dressed in tartan holding their hands out. When the globe is shaken a swirl of flakes resembling ten pound notes marked “made in England” falls about the figures whose hands close with a snap when a note lands in them.
Scotch Numpty Party Monopoly
The game begins with all the players taking £1,000 from the English Treasury. Go is named England. Every time the players pass England they collect £200 from England. Cards in the community chest contain instructions such as “Collect £1,000 from the English Treasury” or “Erect a Parliament at English expense.”
HURRY! HURRY! HURRY! WHILE ENGLISH SUBSIDIES LAST