SNP 2012 XMAS Novelties

Independence Balloon

When filled with hot air the balloon floats away leaving its owner with nothing to hold onto

Comes in your clan tartan or decorated with Saltires

Hours of  innocent fun

Has a use-by date of  31 December 2013.

IndependenceWorld  

A video game which allows the player to build a fantasy world based on the SNP’s claims about Scottish independence.  Proficient players will be able to create a vibrant make-believe land in which Scotland

–          Keeps  the Pound

–          Has the Bank of England as the lender of last resort

–          Retains   the Queen as head of state

–           Lets its citizens call themselves British

–          Has automatic membership of the EU

–          Keeps UK defence contracts

–          Has citizens with free access to England to work

–          Keeps all the UK  oil and gas tax revenue

–          Does not suffer a stampede of private companies from  Scotland to England

These and many more incredible ideas can be found  in the amazing IndependenceWorld

Best suited to players with a very weak grasp of reality

Barnett Formula One  

There are four players

They draw lots to decide who shall be England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland

The player drawing England has to pay for the others

The winner is the person able to put their hands deepest into English taxpayer pockets.

Magic  Independence  Sporran 

Traditional sporran but with an LED display on which a year is set

Watch the huge amounts of  English money disappear  into the sporran before your very eyes as the date setting  is turned to 2013.

When the date is changed to 2014,  the English money magically reappears leaving the sporran empty.

Educational toy of very high quality

Independence JOCK-IN-THE-BOX

Open the box and up pops a figure modelled on Alex Salmond

For many years our best selling item

The 2012 model is updated and instead of saying with the characteristic whine of the toy  DEVOMAXXXXXX or INDEPENDENNNCE  randomly as the box is opened,  the phrases BANNOCKBUUUURN 1314 or  INDEPENDENNNCE  2014  are emitted.

Warning: the repeated whining may not be to everyone’s taste.

EX-PATRIOT-JOCK-IN-A-BOX

Normally kept outside Scotland

Pops up every now and then to declare undying love of Scotland

OIL FANTASY VIDEO GAME

Players attempt to extend Scotland’s territorial waters to cover every offshore oilfield in the world

See how much of other nations’ oil you can claim

Celtic Tiger

Hilariously unrealistic soft toy  but young children will love it.

Warning: must  be kept well away from reality or it will fall apart

Independence Outer Islands Invasion Board Game  

Scenario:  it is 2014. Scotland has voted for Independence .  The Shetlands and the Orkneys have declared their  wish to remain in the UK and  laid  claim to the oil and gas fields within their waters.

The object of the game is for Scotland to invade the islands from the Scottish mainland  and hold them by force.

The game progresses by players throwing dice to move around the board.  This allows players to gather the means to invade.  But squares on the board which aid the invasion are intermingled with squares which contain instructions such as ENGLISH SUBSIDY ENDED – GO BACK TO START; ALL MILITARY EQUIPMENT REMOVED TO ENGLAND – GO BACK TO QUARTERMASTER’S STORES; ROYAL NAVY BLOCKADES SCOTLAND – GO BACK TO START.

Extremely demanding game. No one has managed to invade the Shetlands and Orkneys  during marketing exhibitions of Independence Outer Islands Invasion

Liar! Liar! Video game

The game consists of SNP politicians making statements such as “We have obtained  legal opinion which says an independent Scotland will automatically be part of the EU” and “Scotland pays  more into the UK tax pot than it takes out”.

Players have to guess which are lies and shout LIAR when they believe a lie has been told.

Warning: Players may find the game a little one-dimensional if they simply assume that if an SNP politician has his or her lips moving he or she is  lying.

Independent  Scotland Armed Forces set

Superbly crafted plastic models of the armed forces Scotland will have after independence. These consist of

–          A platoon of soldiers equipped with the latest dirks and claymores

–          A squadron of hang-gliders

–          3 trawlers and five rowing boats

Frighteningly realistic

HURRY,  HURRY, HURRY

BEFORE THE INDEPENDENCE  VOTE COLLAPSES

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11 Responses to SNP 2012 XMAS Novelties

  1. TIOTH says:

    This is pretty pathetic. I suppose you wouldn’t really expect a balanced view on this site.
    Not sure why you don’t like the SNP. You both appear to want the same thing, don’t you?

    • William Gruff says:

      Why come here then? You’ll find the sort of balance you seek in the numerous Anglophobic Scotch forums that are scattered like rats’ nests around the web. That aside, no Englishman wants the same thing as any member of the SNP, and no Englishman will allow the Scotch the independence they say they want, only because they delude themselves into believing that we fear it, until he has an English Parliament to protect his descendants’ interests. When we have that you’ll be sent on your way, whether you wish it or not, with your share of the burden you think you’ve created for us, and none of the assets you think you’ll steal from us.

      • Steven Gruber says:

        Can I ask where you get this idea that Scots are talking about independence but are not genuine about their true desires? A lot of Scots don’t want independence, they like the UK. But to say that the ones that claim to want it actually don’t, and are just saying it to annoy the English is incredibly ignorant. I mean, I’m sure you are on here primarily to find some sort of assurance in your life, that England is superior and everything in it, hence yourself, and that may be enough of a boost to get you through your day- very sad. But if you campaigned seriously for an independent England without all this kind of talk I would take you 100% seriously. I really think you should shave that beard off (you look like a paedophile), go out into the world and try to have some fun. You’ll soon realise that people from everywhere aren’t that bad, maybe you won’t need to come on here for your kicks anymore, you’ll have a whole new outlook on life. All the best.

    • CanSpeccy says:

      Who’ll look pretty pathetic when we highlanders and islanders take the oil and gas and let those lowland bastards freeze in the dark?

      • William Gruff says:

        95% of the gas and at least 30% of the oil lie beneath what will become the English sector of the North Sea.

  2. Bloke says:

    Robert – these cheap anti-Scottish shots are unbecoming.

      • William Gruff says:

        In Sc*tland it’s called a ‘wee bet o’ bairnter’ and it’s considered both witty and amusing, when directed at ‘Ainglesh pipple’. A simple experiment can determine whether the ‘bairnter’ is good natured and well intended or not: simply do as I do and turn it back on the bairntering Jock. If he laughs you know that he meant well. To date I’ve never known a Jock to laugh at a ‘wee bet o’ bairnter’ when it is returned.

        The buggers don’t like it up ’em.

  3. david brown says:

    i thought Roberts parody of the SNP good. plug for my own attempts at satire http://www.davidsfirst.blogspot.com note i often plug England Calling on my comments on Telegraph.
    Re In the past our union with Scotland was good – just google up Scotish scientists, It was the British Empire. But now its time for divource . Then the English people will rediscover themselves and wake up to the reality of its invasion by millions of migrants from all points of the globe. Mainly unleashed by the Goverment of Blair, Campbell and Gordon Brown. With the specific aim of deconstructing England.
    PS the SNP will have no claim on the Shell gas fields.

  4. Steven Gruber says:

    One of these days the English will have to actually tell us Scots how much they are “subsidising” us by, because all the information I can find tells me that Scotland’s deficit is 10% while the UK’s is 11%. Is all this talk just built on an assumption that you are superior or do you have facts that we Scots are not allowed to see?

  5. Pingback: All you could ever want to know about Scottish independence | England calling

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